Medium Happiness

Ok, I know I am really late to the party on this one (LTTP, I know how fucking nethip) but Juno is now available on HBO on Demand so over the weekend I was bored one night and decided to give this movie a go. A few of my friends had seen this movie during its time in theaters, even a host of a podcast I enjoy commented on seeing the movie and only being mildly annoyed by the 120 indie music queues during the film.  So given the overall positive feedback from my esteemed peers I assumed I would enjoy this film, even if I had to stomach some nauseating music queues (I like Wes Anderson films so I figured I could manage)

Holy fuck, in a pile of vomit, wrapped in a crust of horse shit does this movie suck balls on a level I didn’t know was possible.  I thought PhD’s were required to suck balls at this caliber, but apparently only a stupid hipster name is needed.  Now first things first, yes there are way worse movies out there, but this movie won awards and was received quite well by the press and my peers.

If I had to sum up this movie in one sentence it would be, “Imagine if an unfunny 14 year old girl wrote an entire script on her cell phone and some dumb fucks actually green-lit the movie”.
That is Juno in a nutshell.  Well so what we all text on our phones, how bad could it be? You know 4Rlz, omg, can’t be that bad 4sure?

Well my friends, it gets much worse. There is the already mentioned near constant indie music raping your ears causing you to have self doubts, because you know the music eats asshole but the music is hip and cool. Maye you aren’t hip or cool, maybe a 30 year knit-sock wearing whore named Brook Busey (aka Diablo Cody.  Fuck you twat, I am not gonna call you by your “pen name”.  Pen names have traditionally been reserved when authors want to mask their gender, distance themselves from their body of work, or protect themselves from controversial material.  The only thing controversial about Brook Busey is that she has yet to be stoned to death) knows more about music than you do.  This entire mind fuck is happening within the first 30 seconds of this abortion of a movie.  Shit, I wish Juno did get an abortion so it would have been trimmed to only 15 IQ reducing minutes.

But wait! Michael Cera and Jason Bateman are in the film, we are all saved! Arrested Development kicked ass, I am sure they can save this “quirky romp” of a film.  Nope, not even close, the writer of this film, (see knit-sock wearing whore) decided it too difficult to actually create new compelling characters so she just poached the exact personalities from Arrested.  The problem is, instead of getting Shania Twain live, you get Shania Twin, Canada’s number one Shania Twain impersonator.  Everything seems phoned in (ha! like the script, damn I am clever) The two never even share a scene together that would maybe generate some classic Cera-Bateman chemistry.

The gale force winds in this perfect storm of suck is the dialogue.  The dialogue flows like a Rodney Dangerfield stand up routine in which everything is meant to be a one liner, but instead of broads and boners you get pregs and hamburger phones.  These ne’er funny one liners are also delivered with the subtly of  Rodney Dangerfield’s famous Caddy Shack character Al Czervik.  The dialogue in this film is a constant reminder that the script was written by a two-penny harlot who is clearly desperate to seem hip and relevant as her wrinkly minge hits 30.

I don’t hate people for liking this film, to each his own, but to go around giving this shit sandwich 44 awards is going too far, about 44 awards and sans one stoning too far.  Juno is complete and utter shit.  Days have passed since my viewing/brain sodomy of this movie and I am still so puzzled and angry.  How did no one I know flip out when they saw this? How could so many people I share similar taste with not feel like I do?  Seriously, am I the only one who thinks this is a shoe in for one of the worst movies ever to win an Oscar?

-Anthony

edit: sorry for the initial odd layout and missing text. There was a weird html code error.  should be fine now.

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