This morning on my way to work I saw a rotund guy on one of those I-can-store-it-in-my-closet bikes come careering down the cross street trying to make the light to cross Madison Avenue. It was a completely pitiful site. This dude must have weighed 220-240 lbs, he was wearing shorts*, and had calves that looked like honey dews. Basically, he looked exactly like that shit for brains on the show King of Queens, Kevin something or other–oh yeah, Kevin James. As an aside, that’s one of the worst TV shows I have ever seen, no idea how it ever got into syndication, not that syndication is a benchmark for success anyway.
Back to the guy on the bike. He was peddling like a son of a bitch but was barely going anywhere. It was like the little bike that couldn’t. He should man up and get a bike fit for a guy of his stature. In fact, I’m going to go ahead and say that no person should ride one of those stupid little bikes…there’s no way to avoid looking like an ass. Get a real bike, hang it from your ceiling with a hook if you have to; whatever, if you were that concerned with saving space to begin with I’m sure you can come up with a creative storage idea.
Holy shit, sorry this is getting long winded, but, I just discovered that one of the makers of those stupid folding bikes is a company named, Brompton, which, also happens to be the name of this horrible pseudo luxury apartment building being built on east 86th St., and Brompton, without further adeiu, sounds a hell of a lot like Blumpkin. Look out.
* I will forever have a bad association when I see a cool weather short wearer. In college, this guy, whose nickname was Blank Man, wore shorts every day of the year. He also drove a jeep that had lifeguard stickers all over it, wore visors, had red hair, and was fat. Actually he looked a lot like Kevin James, the King of Queens moron.
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Hmm, you’d think with all that inefficient extra pedaling, he’d be in better shape. Imagine how fat he’d be if he had a bigger bike with bigger wheels and fewer RPMs. Do you talk RPMs with bikes?
Funny, I saw a big fat guy in shorts today too. I also knew a guy in college who wore shorts all year around. he said he was from vermont and that the cold didn’t bother him. I think he regretted saying that. it got freaking cold at my school in maryland. one time, it snowed and the temp dropped to about 1 degree. I saw him walking across the campus in his stupid shorts. he looked like he was froze. the funny thing is that he got pneumonia and died. sorry, just kidding. that’s not funny.
Katie and Mr. Rosco, thank you for your remarks.
Katie, yes RPMs do apply to cycling. Your cadence, or pace, is basically your RPMs.
Mr. Rosco, year round short sporters are losers.
One of my teachers at Parsons rode one of those douchecycles. Want to know what class he taught? Sustainable Design, aka hippie bullshit (I am all for sustainable design, the way some teachers go about it at school drives me crazy)
Anyway, people who wear shorts in cold weather are also the type of people who either A. own more than three hemp necklaces or B.have made their own chain mail.
The tiny fold up bike makes little sense. If you can’t change gears, isn’t it almost as fast to walk someplace? Poor Kevin James. Of course, if he had lost the weight they would have kicked him off the show.
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