Everyone, I am Ted Haggard blown away by the whole Elliot Spitzer scandal. I don’t know where to begin or what to say. It’s odd how, without fail, the most self righteous often are the most sanctimonious creatures. So how about rather than me reporting and regurgitating the stuff you’ve read in the news we get the speculation pot brewing. Submit a comment about the Spitzer scandal and I’ll post it, sort of live blog style. One of my co-workers, Chris, thinks that Spitzers a sex addict. Fair enough. What are your thoughts?
Here is my take:
Elliot Spizer has an unquenchable ass fetish. The reason he always looks pained and austere is because at any given moment he has a raft of objects stuck up his anus and colon. And anyone who knows anything about a man with an ass fetish knows that eventually something has got to give. So Elliot was faced with this decision: do I tell my wife about my problem? Or, do I seek outside council from a trained professional who might be able to cure me? Wisely, he went with the professional, who unfortunately was a hooker being investigated by the FBI. Bad luck Elliot.
The people have spoken:
I think Spitzer was framed. Republicans have kidnapped his son. The ransom note clearly specified that Mr. Spitzer get involved in a prostitution ring. His son would be released upon the code words “Client #9.” Yes, Elliot is the current scandal of the month, but he did get his son back. Republicans are known for this sort of behavior. Monica Lewinski was a republican sent to infiltrate Bill Clinton’s pants. Marylin Monroe? Republican. Ralph Nader is even a Republican. They’ll stop at nothing to bring down the Democrats. Spitzer is just the latest casualty.
I personally think he originally called up the high-priced hooker in order to further his own investigations into the escort service, like he has done so often in the past. During questioning, his belt buckle got caught on the corner of the interrogation table, causing his pants to fall around his ankles, which in turn caused Spitzer to fall penis-first into his suspect. Never having had sex before, this was a revelation to little Elliot, this caused him to trick the hooker into his closet by carefully placing Reece’s Pieces down his hallway, where he then cared for her, taught her a few words of English, and then eventually helped her create a crude device for contacting her home planet. Eventually, after both nearly die from strange inter-species connections, she is rescued by her people.So you see, the man is a hero, people. Let him be!