Sky Mall is a fascinating catalog. Within the poorly bound pages lie products that perfectly capture everything that is wrong with the U.S.. I know this has been done many times before and done very well by Kasper Hauser with Sky Maul (Only 6$!)but after flipping through it on the plane I couldn’t help but do a Sky Mall post.
Sky Mall is a fascinating catalog. Within the poorly bound pages lie products that perfectly capture everything that is wrong with the U.S.. I know this has been done many times before and done very well by Kasper Hauser with Sky Maul (Only 6$!)but after flipping through it on the plane I couldn’t help but do a Sky Mall post.
De-Beadazzler
Did you have hours of fun Beadazzling your clothes on a wicked meth binge? Did you wake up 16 hours later only to regret your new wardrobe alterations? Don’t worry, there is no need to throw out your clothes or make any major life choices such as kicking that meth habit. The De-Beadazzler quickly removes all of your bead related woes and restores your clothes to their original rhinestone free look. ($99)
Mistress Storage Hatch
Let’s admit it, you aren’t as young as you used to be and you don’t have the time or energy to properly hide your affair from your wife. The Mistress Storage hatch allows for quick convenient storage of your butt slut from your always prying wife. Whether your are up for a quick bump of coke or a midnight poke, The Mistress Storage Hatch keeps your love life separate from your shitty, horribly depressing day-to-day life. ($259) *Mistress sold separately
The Dog-A-Pult
You aren’t the only one who hates dogs. The way they stand there acting all smart and sitting when told to. You can do that too, you don’t get a treat, your boss doesn’t appreciate shit. Fuck dogs man. Time to settle the score with The Dog-A-Pult. Simply place a dog on the platform and pull the lever. Guaranteed to send dogs of all sizes flying through the air. Declare Jihad on canines with The Dog-A-Pult.($150)
Solar Powered Vampire Slayer
What are the three things vampires can’t stand? Sunlight, stakes to the heart, and commitment. Harness the full power of the sun with the Solar Powered Vampire Slayer. The SPVS captures sunlight during the day and stores it in batteries or some shit, I don’t know. When night falls and the vampire hunting begins, you can stab vampires in the heart with the full, face melting power of the sun. ($666) *Warning vampires may be HIV positive
Truman the Tripping Balls Panda
Pandas love acid, it’s a well documented fact. However, not everyone has witnessed the majesty of a panda blasted on five tabs. Truman the Tripping Balls Panda perfectly captures the mind fuck experience of being a bear who can’t feel his face. Holy shit dude you are eating a tree! Ha ha ha, that Truman is crazy son. ($420)
Rotating Dog Rotisserie
So the dog Jihad is going better than you thought, but what do you do with all of that dog meat? Sure you have a few Korean friends but they can’t handle this much meat. Turns out dogs weren’t as smart as you thought and that you can easily trick them with bacon. The Rotating Dog Rotisserie slow cooks your former best friend over an open flame to lock in all of the juices and flavor. Simply impale the canine carcass onto the spigot and let the slow rotating action do the rest. When your friends ask what the delicious meat you are serving is, you can confidently respond, “bitches, bitches” ($199)
Ass-2-Ass iPod Dock
The most memorable part of Requiem for a Dream was Jennifer Connlley’s heroin fueled ass to ass sex scene. Relive this historic moment in film with the Ass-2-Ass iPod Dock. Like Jennifer, iPods prefer it ass to ass. Stop being a buzz kill and let your iPods fuck the way God intended. ($22)
Grow A Douche
This little douche-to-be is an exciting new product from the makers of Harvest a Hippie. Grow A Douche is a two year old who just discovered Creed and hydrogen peroxide. Help raise this doe-eyed d-bag into a full grown power douche. You can even battle your Grow A Douche against your friend’s Grow A Douche. You will be entertained for hours as they argue about which Linkin Park album is the best.($3,000)
Alcoholic Party Penguin
The only thing better than a penguin is a drunk penguin. Alcoholic Party Penguin is guaranteed to be the life of any party. He will hit on girls and talk of how monogamous penguins are and shit but don’t be surprised when he throws up on your couch and drives home drunk with your girlfriend. Fuck you Party Penguin.($129)
iPhone Missile Defense System
You got an iPhone and you now are finally respected by your peers. Little did you know that owning an iPhone comes with a tremendous burden, missiles! iPhone owners are under a near constant barage of balistic weapons. The iPhone Missile Defense System gives you peace of mind that your new beloved gadget and beacon of self worth will be safe for years to come, months, weeks to come until the next iPhone.($1,599)
Shit Shifter
Are your turds stuck in second gear? Make your shits too fast too furious with this new six speed Shit Shifter. Simply insert the Shit Shifter into the toilet before you let slip the logs of war. Need to blast a quick dookie during a commercial break on Oprah? Drop the hammer and slam that bitch into 6th. Need to slow things down after a long night of drinking, put her into first and cruise at lesuirely bowel clearing speeds. ($50)
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