Ah, yet another holiday where we go balls to the wall regardless of the holiday’s validity, its origins or our own knowledge of the holiday’s heritage.
St. Patrick’s Day has evolved into an alcohol-fueled green tinted orgy. I clearly support this new direction the feast has taken so I don’t want to take the piss out of it too much. I will, however, now try to draw parallels between the traditional heritage of this holiday and our modern worthless St. Patrick’s Day “holiday” turned frat boy’s wet dream.
Ah, yet another holiday where we go balls to the wall regardless of the holiday’s validity, its origins or our own knowledge of the holiday’s heritage. St. Patrick’s Day has evolved into an alcohol-fueled green tinted orgy. I clearly support this new direction the feast has taken so I don’t want to take the piss out of it too much. I will, however, now try to draw parallels between the traditional heritage of this holiday and our modern worthless St. Patrick’s Day “holiday” turned frat boy’s wet dream.
-St. Patrick was born in Wales and shipped off to Ireland to be a slave when he was 16
-Sixteen year old girls born in Jersey exchange sexual favors to NYC doormen to get into bars
-St. Patrick preached the Gospel converting many women into nuns
-Dudes name Patrick shout, “Shots!” and convert women to sluts
-St. Patrick was never officially canonized by a Pope
-Deez nuts have never been officially canonized by a Pope
-St. Patrick banished the snakes from Ireland. Since Ireland is a glacial island, snakes likely mean The Druids
-Men flash their snakes at bars and are banished from them
-The legend and life of St. Patrick could very well be the amalgamation of two different Patrick’s lives construed into a tale of one single person over time.
-I’m fucking drunk, wooooooooooo!
-The color blue is actually the color associated with St. Patrick
-We dye our beer green because people got confused with blue beer and ended up drinking 2000 Flushes and wind shield wiper fluid
-St. Patrick did lots of Christian shit and was all like, “Yo, get some God up in that shit or else I will cut you”
-Drunk dudes are all like, “Yo, get some Dave Matthews Band up in this shit or else I will cut you”
-The emphasis on drinking alcohol on St. Patrick’s Day may be related to the fact that the pagan Roman festival of the Bacchanalia, sacred to Bacchus, the Roman god of wine was celebrated on March 15 and 16
-The numbers 15 and 16 are traditionally associated with hippies and fags. Seriously Roman Calendar, get bent. The number seventeen, however, has been traditionally known as the number that represents tits and Camaros. Go 17!!
-St. Patrick used shamrocks to help illustrate the Holy Trinity
-I sit at home and drink shamrock shakes while watching Blade Trinity
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