Medium Happiness » Eternity With Nerds

A Fistful of Awesome

Anthony — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 19:37:58 +0000

This June at E3, Steve Wiebe is hoping to finally end any remaining dispute as to who is the world’s best Donkey Kong player. Go Steve!

If you have not seen The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters, drop what you are doing, even if that is holding a new born child, and go watch this documentary. I love this movie and I am confident you will too. Regardless of your stance on video games, the characters and story of this documentary are legendary.

Ok, good so now everyone reading this far should have seen the movie which leads to me to this, IT IS FUCKING ON MOTHER FUCKERS! That’s right, hot sauce selling twat extraordinaire Billy Mitchell is about to get 100% indisputably pwned in front of the entire gaming community. Fuck yes, to the power of fuck yes. Steve Wiebe you have EWN’s full support, good luck in June.

Jimmy Fail-on

Anthony — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 05:00:55 +0000

If Buddie Holly, Ritchie Valens and The Big Bopper’s death marked the day rock n’ roll died then the day Conan O’Brien left New York City was the day late night comedy died.

When Conan O’Brien left New York for L.A. to host The Tonight Show, a huge comedic void was left. Conan O’Brien rightfully earned his position amongst late night greats such as Carson and Letterman (despite having a killer car collection Leno is to comedy as Fun Dip is to a diabetic). Conan pushed late night comedy in new directions with daring off the wall zany antics and wildly entertaining interviews (the Martha Stewart ones are incredible). Conan amassed so many AAA clips through his years that you could spend two days on Youtube and just scratch the surface. It takes a hell of a talent to fill the shoes of a masturbating bear. Jimmy Fallon has skipped the shoes and instead filled the diaper with a laugh-less stream of rancid late night shit.

Fallon first honed his hackery on Saturday Night Live. During his time on SNL, Fallon managed to create such dynamic characters as Nick Burns, a sarcastic tech support worker who had the clever catch phrase, “Mooooove!”, which is coincidentally what my bowels tended to do while watching. Another immutable attribute of Fallon was his ability to consistently break character and laugh at himself during a sketch. This is not only insulting to the legacy of SNL, but offensive to former colleagues such as Tracy Morgan. Tracy Morgan is about as stable and sensible as a one legged paint huffer on a Tilt-O-Whirl and even he took offense to Fallon’s insistence on laughing all the god damn time.

Limited talent, clichéd personality, and an ability to offend his peers, what punishment did Lorne Michaels have in store for Fallon? Oh that’s right; give the giggling twat his own late night talk show. Late Night with Jimmy Fallon is comedic piracy at its best and ulcer inducing at its worst. Fallon co-ops so much of Conan’s work that I am surprised he didn’t change his name to Jimmy O’Fallon. Hilarious green screen skits with Conan and Andy are now poorly executed mumble fests with Fallon repeating the same thing over and over (while laughing at himself of course). The true poaching of Fallon doesn’t come at the expense of Conan though, Fallon has successfully poached and mangled as much of popular geek culture as humanly possible during his limited run.

If you took five episodes of VH1’s Best Week ever and boiled them down to the most obvious pop culture references and clichés, you would have three quarters of Fallon’s jokes. The Snuggie is equal parts relevant and hilarious right? Why not give every audience member a Snuggie and let the comedic genius ensue. Did you catch that? Did you catch how clever that is? Whatever, maybe I am being too hard on him, it isn’t like he has dipped into the septic tank of pop culture references that is Saved by the Bell, oh wait never mind he did. A Saved by the Bell reunion! ZOMG I need a “shit my pants font” to accurately portray how hard I am laughing just thinking of this ingenious idea. Dustin Diamond and Mario Lopez together again at last! If you can’t see the intricate comedic brilliance involved in this reunion, you are a normal human being. Only twenty-something frat-heads would find this even remotely entertaining. For fucks sake people, Saved by the Bell is absolute shit. I hate people who claim something is “awesome” simply because it was their only escape from their shitty childhood. Atari is not awesome, it only seemed awesome because the alternative was listening to your acid-washed parents discuss the finer points of Poison lyrics. If raping your childhood memories wasn’t enough to satisfy Fallon he has decided to destroy nerd culture as well.

Fallon has the nerd credentials of failing out of Computer Science before switching to Communications and a single horrid sketch about a tech nerd. Regardless, Fallon has jumped cankle deep into the nerd/geek world on his show. He has recently had a blogger from Engadget (demonstrating the Palm Pre), Alex Albrecht and Kevin Rose from Diggnation on his show. I both love Engadget and Digg yet Fallon has already tainted them. There is a difference between a talk show host embracing a variety of different guests and pandering/whoring to a specific demographic. Fallon and his producers are desperately trying to appeal to the “wired” or “tech savvy” or whatever the group is called these days (Nerdarati?). If you are a regular EWN reader you should know how sensitive I am to this recent trend in adopting nerd culture. The two things I love more than anything, comedy and nerd, are having the train run on them by a talentless mop-head cockbag. Fuck off Jimmy Fallon. I never once looked at a painting, listened to a song or watched a movie and thought, “I could do better”, but when it comes to poor interviews, raping of nerd culture and the comedic subtlety of the iFart app, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, you are so unforgivably abhorrent, I could do better.

A Degree Of Irony

Anthony — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 23:32:16 +0000

If there is one thing that gets me more riled up than hipsters or the Applelite it is Creationists. Texas is currently reviewing a bill that would allow the Institute of Creation Research to grant Masters Degrees in Science

“[Texas] State Rep. Leo Berman (R-Tyler) proposed House Bill 2800 when he learned that The Institute for Creation Research (ICR), a private institution that specializes in the education and research of biblical creationism, was not able to receive a certificate of authority from Texas’ Higher Education Coordinating Board to grant Master of Science degrees.”

If there is one thing that gets me more riled up than hipsters or Applelite it is Creationists. Texas is currently reviewing a bill that would allow gumball machines to grant Masters Degrees in Science, er sorry not gumball machines the Institute for Creationism Research. I think the gumball machine would be over qualified in Science in comparison to the ICR. It doesn’t matter how religious you are or what your faith is, if you can’t see how detrimental it would be to pass this bill you are a fucking moron.

I am so sick of Creationists whining that their ~science~ (there isn’t punctuation for doing the jerk-off gesture so those will have to do) doesn’t get equal respect and representation. You want to know why your shit gets ignored by Science? Because it isn’t fucking Science! If you want to have Creationism taught side by side with evolution then we have to logically add Harry Potter spells and defeating Orcs with rings to our curriculum.

“Berman says ICR was the inspiration for the bill because he feels creationism is as scientific as evolution and should be granted equal weight in the educational community.” Really, Berman? You think it deserves equal weight? Well, my balls deserve to have equal weight on your chin.

“I don’t believe I came from a salamander that crawled out of a swamp millions of years ago. ” Berman said. Right, that’s it, reduce millions and millions of years of evolution backed by millions of hours of scientific research to, “I was not formerly a salamander.” Well guess what asshole, you once were an egg and a sperm (salamander like no?) and now look at you, you are a full grown mantard.

I can go on and on about evolution and its incredible intricacies but I will spare you. I will simply say this; a common misconception about evolution is that it is somehow this stand alone thread of a theory. People will try to convince you that evolution is tangential and not integral to Science, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Imagine if each different discipline of Science was a thread, and you wove them together like those pot holder makers you had as a kid. Evolution isn’t one of those threads, it is the pot holder itself. Evolution is the culmination of multiple branches of Science that all support and back the theory. Now imagine if Creationism was a thread, now shove that thread in a dead hookers anus. That is Creationism.

I followed a link to the ICR website (I am actually surprised they had a website cause isn’t the Internet witchcraft or something?) and read some of their recent posts. They were equal parts hilarious and mortifying. Here is a lovely quote regarding the reversal of some stem cell research policy by Obama,

“The consequences of the president’s decision are two-fold. First, government is now more empowered to destroy human life for “scientific” progress. Will research on human embryos result in advances in medicine? Possibly, but the fruit of stem cell research using cells safely harvested from umbilical cords or adults is already being used to save lives. Destroying the unborn is both unnecessary and morally reprehensible.”

I love that they put science in quotation marks, like you would say your child is “special” after the neighbors catch him finger blasting their cat. Also, “destroying the unborn”, what the fuck is the unborn? Are those all the people who didn’t get the role Matt Damon did? The idea of killing the unborn is an oxymoron. You can’t kill something that has no life, much the same way you can’t get rid of herpes no matter how many Valtrex you snort. If destroying the unborn is considered murder, then I have killed the entire population of China five times over in waded up Kleenex.

Grow up and go to a real school you Creatards. Creationism never has been and never will be Science. Below, Ian has contributed a relevant post about the selective “faith” and hypocrisy of Creationists.

“In the bible there are many instances of, supposedly, good people being totally evil. One such instance is Moses or some other glorified character is visited by an angel. The villagers come to his home where the angel is, and demand that the Good Man give up this visitor so that the people of the village may ‘know’ it. ‘Knowing’ someone in the old days of good pious faith based peoples meant ‘rape’. So instead of sending the angel out, this good Christian instead sends his daughters out to the crowd of men to be ‘known.’ Most Christians would say this is simply a metaphor or that they don’t believe that specifically happened. [Richard] Dawkins poses that you can’t pick and choose what parts of your holy text to be true and which parts to be embellishments. This is especially true when considering the fact that the bible, to many people, is fact/law/truth. That and the fact that since this is their ‘faith’ and they have, supposed, ‘truth’ on their side; their opinion cannot be challenged.”

Site Change

Anthony — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 21:10:47 +0000

I am currently toying with some new WP Themes and trying to get the site looking a little better. Apologies if things look jumbled or odd when viewing them. I should be done soon. Any comments on the new look are welcome.

Thanks

I Just Did Your X-Mas Shopping For You

Anthony — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 22:34:55 +0000

Sky Mall is a fascinating catalog. Within the poorly bound pages lie products that perfectly capture everything that is wrong with the U.S.. I know this has been done many times before and done very well by Kasper Hauser with Sky Maul (Only 6$!)but after flipping through it on the plane I couldn’t help but do a Sky Mall post.

De-Beadazzler

Did you have hours of fun Beadazzling your clothes on a wicked meth binge? Did you wake up 16 hours later only to regret your new wardrobe alterations? Don’t worry, there is no need to throw out your clothes or make any major life choices such as kicking that meth habit. The De-Beadazzler quickly removes all of your bead related woes and restores your clothes to their original rhinestone free look. ($99)

Mistress Storage Hatch

Let’s admit it, you aren’t as young as you used to be and you don’t have the time or energy to properly hide your affair from your wife. The Mistress Storage hatch allows for quick convenient storage of your butt slut from your always prying wife. Whether your are up for a quick bump of coke or a midnight poke, The Mistress Storage Hatch keeps your love life separate from your shitty, horribly depressing day-to-day life. ($259) *Mistress sold separately

The Dog-A-Pult

You aren’t the only one who hates dogs. The way they stand there acting all smart and sitting when told to. You can do that too, you don’t get a treat, your boss doesn’t appreciate shit. Fuck dogs man. Time to settle the score with The Dog-A-Pult. Simply place a dog on the platform and pull the lever. Guaranteed to send dogs of all sizes flying through the air. Declare Jihad on canines with The Dog-A-Pult.($150)

Solar Powered Vampire Slayer

What are the three things vampires can’t stand? Sunlight, stakes to the heart, and commitment. Harness the full power of the sun with the Solar Powered Vampire Slayer. The SPVS captures sunlight during the day and stores it in batteries or some shit, I don’t know. When night falls and the vampire hunting begins, you can stab vampires in the heart with the full, face melting power of the sun. ($666) *Warning vampires may be HIV positive

Truman the Tripping Balls Panda

Pandas love acid, it’s a well documented fact. However, not everyone has witnessed the majesty of a panda blasted on five tabs. Truman the Tripping Balls Panda perfectly captures the mind fuck experience of being a bear who can’t feel his face. Holy shit dude you are eating a tree! Ha ha ha, that Truman is crazy son. ($420)

Rotating Dog Rotisserie

So the dog Jihad is going better than you thought, but what do you do with all of that dog meat? Sure you have a few Korean friends but they can’t handle this much meat. Turns out dogs weren’t as smart as you thought and that you can easily trick them with bacon. The Rotating Dog Rotisserie slow cooks your former best friend over an open flame to lock in all of the juices and flavor. Simply impale the canine carcass onto the spigot and let the slow rotating action do the rest. When your friends ask what the delicious meat you are serving is, you can confidently respond, “bitches, bitches” ($199)

Ass-2-Ass iPod Dock

The most memorable part of Requiem for a Dream was Jennifer Connlley’s heroin fueled ass to ass sex scene. Relive this historic moment in film with the Ass-2-Ass iPod Dock. Like Jennifer, iPods prefer it ass to ass. Stop being a buzz kill and let your iPods fuck the way God intended. ($22)

Grow A Douche

This little douche-to-be is an exciting new product from the makers of Harvest a Hippie. Grow A Douche is a two year old who just discovered Creed and hydrogen peroxide. Help raise this doe-eyed d-bag into a full grown power douche. You can even battle your Grow A Douche against your friend’s Grow A Douche. You will be entertained for hours as they argue about which Linkin Park album is the best.($3,000)

Alcoholic Party Penguin

The only thing better than a penguin is a drunk penguin. Alcoholic Party Penguin is guaranteed to be the life of any party. He will hit on girls and talk of how monogamous penguins are and shit but don’t be surprised when he throws up on your couch and drives home drunk with your girlfriend. Fuck you Party Penguin.($129)

iPhone Missile Defense System

You got an iPhone and you now are finally respected by your peers. Little did you know that owning an iPhone comes with a tremendous burden, missiles! iPhone owners are under a near constant barage of balistic weapons. The iPhone Missile Defense System gives you peace of mind that your new beloved gadget and beacon of self worth will be safe for years to come, months, weeks to come until the next iPhone.($1,599)

Shit Shifter

Are your turds stuck in second gear? Make your shits too fast too furious with this new six speed Shit Shifter. Simply insert the Shit Shifter into the toilet before you let slip the logs of war. Need to blast a quick dookie during a commercial break on Oprah? Drop the hammer and slam that bitch into 6th. Need to slow things down after a long night of drinking, put her into first and cruise at lesuirely bowel clearing speeds. ($50)

Corned-Beef Indult

Anthony — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 23:10:36 +0000

Ah, yet another holiday where we go balls to the wall regardless of the holiday’s validity, its origins or our own knowledge of the holiday’s heritage.

St. Patrick’s Day has evolved into an alcohol-fueled green tinted orgy. I clearly support this new direction the feast has taken so I don’t want to take the piss out of it too much. I will, however, now try to draw parallels between the traditional heritage of this holiday and our modern worthless St. Patrick’s Day “holiday” turned frat boy’s wet dream.

Ah, yet another holiday where we go balls to the wall regardless of the holiday’s validity, its origins or our own knowledge of the holiday’s heritage. St. Patrick’s Day has evolved into an alcohol-fueled green tinted orgy. I clearly support this new direction the feast has taken so I don’t want to take the piss out of it too much. I will, however, now try to draw parallels between the traditional heritage of this holiday and our modern worthless St. Patrick’s Day “holiday” turned frat boy’s wet dream.

-St. Patrick was born in Wales and shipped off to Ireland to be a slave when he was 16

-Sixteen year old girls born in Jersey exchange sexual favors to NYC doormen to get into bars

-St. Patrick preached the Gospel converting many women into nuns

-Dudes name Patrick shout, “Shots!” and convert women to sluts

-St. Patrick was never officially canonized by a Pope

-Deez nuts have never been officially canonized by a Pope

-St. Patrick banished the snakes from Ireland. Since Ireland is a glacial island, snakes likely mean The Druids

-Men flash their snakes at bars and are banished from them

-The legend and life of St. Patrick could very well be the amalgamation of two different Patrick’s lives construed into a tale of one single person over time.

-I’m fucking drunk, wooooooooooo!

-The color blue is actually the color associated with St. Patrick

-We dye our beer green because people got confused with blue beer and ended up drinking 2000 Flushes and wind shield wiper fluid

-St. Patrick did lots of Christian shit and was all like, “Yo, get some God up in that shit or else I will cut you”

-Drunk dudes are all like, “Yo, get some Dave Matthews Band up in this shit or else I will cut you”

-The emphasis on drinking alcohol on St. Patrick’s Day may be related to the fact that the pagan Roman festival of the Bacchanalia, sacred to Bacchus, the Roman god of wine was celebrated on March 15 and 16

-The numbers 15 and 16 are traditionally associated with hippies and fags. Seriously Roman Calendar, get bent. The number seventeen, however, has been traditionally known as the number that represents tits and Camaros. Go 17!!

-St. Patrick used shamrocks to help illustrate the Holy Trinity

-I sit at home and drink shamrock shakes while watching Blade Trinity

Corned-Beef Indult

Anthony — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 23:10:36 +0000

Ah, yet another holiday where we go balls to the wall regardless of the holiday’s validity, its origins or our own knowledge of the holiday’s heritage.

-St. Patrick was born in Wales and shipped off to Ireland to be a slave when he was 16

-Sixteen year old girls born in Jersey exchange sexual favors to NYC doormen to get into bars

-St. Patrick preached the Gospel converting many women into nuns

-Dudes name Patrick shout, “Shots!” and convert women to sluts

-St. Patrick was never officially canonized by a Pope

-Deez nuts have never been officially canonized by a Pope

-St. Patrick banished the snakes from Ireland. Since Ireland is a glacial island, snakes likely mean The Druids

-Men flash their snakes at bars and are banished from them

-The legend and life of St. Patrick could very well be the amalgamation of two different Patrick’s lives construed into a tale of one single person over time.

-I’m fucking drunk, wooooooooooo!

-The color blue is actually the color associated with St. Patrick

-We dye our beer green because people got confused with blue beer and ended up drinking 2000 Flushes and wind shield wiper fluid

-St. Patrick did lots of Christian shit and was all like, “Yo, get some God up in that shit or else I will cut you”

-Drunk dudes are all like, “Yo, get some Dave Matthews Band up in this shit or else I will cut you”

-St. Patrick used shamrocks to help illustrate the Holy Trinity

-I sit at home and drink shamrock shakes while watching Blade Trinity

Tommy Wiseau on Tim and Eric

Anthony — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 14:50:29 +0000

Tommy Wiseau, director of the amazingly awesome/horribly awesome film, The Room was recently a guest on Tim and Eric on Adult Swim. For anyone who has seen Tim and Eric you know it can be quite insane. Throw Tommy Wiseau into the mix and you feel like you are tripping balls.

Sorry no embed. Follow the link here

For those of you going to the NYC screening later this month, cross your fingers that this mad man makes a personal appearance.

Thanks to Andrew for the link

I’m A Nerd and So Can You

Anthony — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 00:08:33 +0000

I feel like I haven’t been giving enough nerd service on this blog considering the name of the site. I was tempted to do a brief review of Killzone 2 but I don’t think it would have been funny or insightful. All I can say is, if you own a PS3 go buy this game now.

I have decided to start a weekly installment where I will touch on some current observations or happenings in the nerd world. This first installment is a little lengthy. It is necessary though to detail what it really is to be a modern nerd or what I believe it means to be one. Two major areas are currently under assault by faux nerds. Computers and gaming.

This is not some guide to becoming nerd chic. First off, there is no such thing as nerd chic. It was a made up oxymoron by dumb fucks that picked on nerds their entire life. When they realized that they needed to start doing nerdy stuff to survive in the current technological world they attempted to convince themselves and others that it was somehow cool to be nerd. Hipsters are the worst offenders of nerd chic but I would need five blogs to harness the hatred I have towards them so I will just leave that be. Claiming to be nerd chic would be like claiming to be chubby thin or retard Mensa. Chic is the antithesis of a nerd. This is not to say all nerds are without style or the ability to be fashionable, it is that those characteristics are completely independent of being nerd. Nerd will never have anything to do with clothes, that is unless it is a trench coat or cos-play. Nerd is core quality.

This is the primary misunderstanding I see most people having about nerd. Nerd doesn’t become some lifestyle choice in which you chose specific attire or trends to be a part of to fit in. Nerd is something you realize when you sacrificed the chance to “level up” with real life friends in order to level up in a game. Nerd is when you know about the technical specs of all your friend’s TVs and not just your own. Nerd is when you are disappointed that an instruction booklet is thin.

With so much tech readily available, nerd has become emulated and diluted. Casual gaming (re: the Anti Christ. Wii can go suck a dick) and the bastion of douche over at Apple have set nerds back tremendously. Go watch the episode of South Park from last season where the Goth kids keep getting confused with the new trendy Vamp kids. They kind of seem similar, but are completely different. The disparity that episode captures is just like the disparity between actual computer nerds and want to be computer nerds. I have nothing against Apple as an alternative for people who simply don’t want to fuck around in the PC realm or want some specific Apple software, or the people who simply could care less. I do, however, have a problem with people who think they are hot shit or somehow now nerdy because they own a specific computer. It just so happens that a lot of Apple owners have now become the prototypical product snob. To some extent I don’t blame the consumers as much as I blame Apple. They have done just as much to perpetuate this snobbery. Look no further than the shoot-yourself-in-the-face-it-is-so-pretentiously-named, Apple Genius Bar. You are not a computer nerd and never will be if all you have used is an Apple computer. It would be like someone who only read the Cliff’s Notes clamming to be an expert on the book. (actual people who program for Macs are excluded, any programmer is 100% nerd. Linux users are full computer nerd too. If you ordered Unbuntu on accident, sorry you aren’t nerd, you are just a moron)

Learning how to deal with all the weird errors, configurations, drivers and the occasional god awful Windows releases like Millennium Edition (I like Vista) are a rite of passage. An analogy I can think of is, who do you think would be more knowledgeable about cars? A guy who has a new BMW that is fantastic and seldom breaks down? Or the guy who has an 86′ Civic that constantly breaks down and he needs perform little fixes here and there to keep going? Sure the BMW is a more refined machine but you are learning more about the inner workings of your car when you have to tweak and fix it to keep shit going. 90% of what I know about computers and electronics has been from fixing and trouble shooting them. This is a key nerd tenet, the desire to always want to know more about something and to want the “advanced mode” of something and not a dumbed down version.

Listen up Apple asshats and pathetic PC users; just because you figured out how to have Skype and a RSS feed on your desktop doesn’t make you a computer nerd. The people who programmed those pieces of software are nerds. The people who used beta versions with terrible GUI’s are nerds. You are simply using the final product of catering to the lowest common denominator. So congratulations, you knew enough to buy something really expensive and trendy. Just like how you can’t buy used Japanese school girl underwear legally on eBay, you can’t buy your nerdom.

This same dilution and emulation applies to the current trend in gaming. Gaming used to be something only for the reflectively pale shut-ins who saw the sun as seldom as they did vaginas (Internet vaginas don’t count). Now you have Nintendo Wii’s all over the place in TV shows and movies. The Wii has completely penetrated pop culture. When a video game was mentioned in a show, it used to be something generic like Playstation or Nintendo, yet clearly the actor was holding a PC joystick or Xbox controller. No one but nerds knew that this was a grave insult, but we let it slide. Now all of a sudden, if in Tropic Thunder Matthew McConaughey referred to the game he was playing as a Xbox or Playstation, people would have a shit fit and call the movie out on inaccuracies. Well, fuck all of you. Video games have been awesome for a long god damn time. The Wii has contributed nothing to the gaming world other than training a new generation of girls how to give champion hand jobs while balancing on a plastic box. As a gamer you think I would be happy right? More people playing video games, not as awkward to admit you are a gamer now? Wrong. Fuck that toy of a system. That is all the Wii is, is a god damn toy. The Wii is the short bus of gaming. No one on that bus knows they are a retard, but everyone on the real bus points and laughs.

Listen up Wii players. You aren’t a gamer and you never will be. Sure, gamer nerds own Wii’s but no gamer nerd owns just a Wii. You are playing games made for children in remedial reading. Good job! You beat Wii Tennis and Bowling. Maybe next you will master Wii : Tie Your Own Shoes. I don’t want to discourage people from playing video games. They are fantastically fun and pretty easy to pick up once you get the hang of one or two. (sorry real video games are hand job simulator free, you may actually have to learn four or five buttons!)

To conclude I want to briefly mention the Chupacabra of gaming and tech nerdom right now, that is of course, gaming on cell phones. Holy fuck, not only is it the lamest thing possible but consumers have already collectively spent millions of dollars for these games. Play your Tetris and Block Breaker, those are simple games that are fine on the cell phone platform and I don’t really consider them gaming. However, actual video games are being developed for cell phones. The greatest travesty happening right now is Metal Gear Solid for iPhone. MGS has been a premier franchise for over a decade. It prides itself on intricate story lines, incredibly deep character development and well paced action and espionage game play. Recently the first in game footage for MGS Touch came out and it is a joke. When you see an enemy you tap him to shoot him. How much lamer could shooting someone possibly be then taping them with your finger? Might as well just shout “Bang” at the screen. Let your phone just be a phone. I fully support smart phones with browsers and what not, but gaming does not belong on a phone, especially a touch screen only phone. I shit you not; Dance Dance Revolution is coming out for the iPhone. If people mocked the dissimilarities between real dancing and the original DDR, imagine how dumb you are going to look dancing with your fingers on a cell phone.

Two Chefs Talking Saucey

Anthony — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 22:48:02 +0000

So you hear about Kristen over at Grapes Apes and Crepes?

Nah man what’s the word on the bird?

Well, Tucker from Pasta La Vista hooked up with her last night.

Really? Wow, she is cute. Did he blanch her cabbage?

So you hear about Kristen over at Grapes Apes and Crepes?

Nah man what’s the word on the bird?

Well, Tucker from Pasta La Vista hooked up with her last night.

Really? Wow, she is cute. Did he blanch her cabbage?

The way he described it was that they were both preheated to 350 and things started to get carried away from there. Before he knew it he was knuckle deep in her secret sauce.

Was her milk past the expiration date?

Nah man, said it was skim and 100% Organic.

Nice. So then what?

Turns out this chick likes to lick the brownie batter from the whisk if you know what I mean?

No I don’t.

Well let’s just say if you order the tossed salad you get a coupon for 10% off on the next purchase of a kid’s meal or anything of equal or lesser value.

What?

Ok, how can I make this clearer? She is the type of girl that if the meat thermometer reads 215 and the roast isn’t supposed to be pulled out of the oven until 250 she will probably just baste more juices over it.

Huh? She likes to be pissed on?

No dude, she just starts off with playing, “just the tip of the icing bag” and moves on slowly to filling the cream puffs. So hard.

I am lost.

Ugh, I guess I can try to explain it one more time. Ok I can speak from personal experience that one time I was a bit drunk and I took a girl eggs over Benedict in the bathroom and sure thing next morning I had this speckled garnish all over my cannoli so I had to go see a pastry specialist.

Pastry specialist?

A doctor for your crank.

Oh. Well what then?

I told the girl what happened and she felt horrible. To make up for it she let me have some brown sauce on my meat pie and we called it even.

I feel nauseated. You have simultaneously ruined both sex and food for me.

Did I tell you I am pork on pork?

You mean you’re gay?

I hate you.