Medium Happiness

My friend Joe er Jose, proprietor of the once active now dormant jose el retardo, posed a great hypothetical this afternoon when I returned from my business lunch. Would I, assuming I had the looks and strapping stallion of a body, become a male model? Of course I would, provided I was one of the major hunks; the guys pulling down well into six figures a year (are there even male models who make that much? I don’t know). Nonetheless,  I like to write and do crazy creative exercises, and male models, we’re assuming, make a lot of money and probably get quite a few weeks off during the year. A shitton more than my paltry 14 days a year, at least. Time off is good for goofing off and goofing off and imagining are good for invention.

Now for the meat and potatoes of this post. When Joe asked me the modelling question he said he could be a model himself. Which, despite his cornfed good looks (see look standards in Iowa where the average male weighs in at 212lbs and woman 185lbs), is simply not possible. He’s too short.

Last year, Joe told me he was 5 10 and 3/4. I was like WTF, Joe, who gives their height in 1/4 inch increments? The fact that Joe was so precise with his height measurement smacked of inflationary discretion. So I said, “Look, Joe. I am only 5 10 w/out shoes and you look to be a noticeable amount shorter than me.” He would not fess up to lying, or lying to himself at least, about his true height.

I thought we had put Joe’s height demons to bed last year when we put him to the rule and he was barely 5 10 w/ shoes on! Apparently not. This afternoon, during our male model session, I told Joe he was like 4 or 5 inches too short to male model. He scoffed at my math and said that isnt’t possible because he’s 5 10 and 1/2 (a 1/4 less than last year’s claim, I might add). I didn’t want to do this, but I owed it to him, so I, along with several other coworkers, went back to the scale/measuring device thing we have in our office. With a pair of sneakers on, which in the bast case scenario are only adding a 1/2 inch—it could be as much as an inch—Joe was 5 10 on the nose.

Joe is only 5 9 and change. I am going to officially call it here that Joe is 5 9 and 1/4.